I was made aware of having a type of personality defect and by my own subconscious no less. I hold grudges. If a person has wronged me, not only will I hate them for the rest of their natural life, I'll spend a good portion of time figuring out how to get revenge. Insert maniacal cackle and gleeful rubbing of hands here. Necessary Disclaimer: I never have actually gotten revenge against anyone but I've certainly wasted many hours dreaming up ways in how I could.
Destructive traits are like food left in the refrigerator too long. We are all aware of how that innocent meatloaf, alone and forgotten in the back of the fridge, can quickly morph into the Hamburger of Doom. Likewise, our negative attributes oftentimes don't start out as such. At some point they did serve a purpose. Remembering someone's poor behavior can save you from wasting time on a person who is a colossal jerk.
It starts to become a problem, however, when it disrupts your life and inhibits your ability to get along with your fellow humans. I realized that a lifetime of grudge holding has left me with a negative attitude and lot of time and energy wasted on insignificant things.
These types of traits put your mental, social, and physical health at risk. Anger raises blood pressure which can put you at risk for a heart attack or stroke. A negative attitude can spark depression which, in turn, is often associated with suicide. Overeating can lead to weight gain, a risk factor for diabetes.
Anyway you look at it, turning destructive traits into positive ones can only help to improve your life. I decided to do something more productive with my time and cull together a few tips to help overcome this problem.
1. Admit You Have a Problem
This is crucial. You are more likely to be engaged and active in your own recovery if you admit that you have something you need to recover from. This is, by far, the hardest step for anyone. We like to think we are perfect, god-like even. But unless you able to shoot thunder bolts from your fingertips I suggest you be completely honest in any self-assessment you undertake.
If you are having trouble identifying your issues, talk to a trusted source or even ask someone who doesn't like you. An enemy may not be as tactful as a friend but at least they'll tell you straight what they think your problem is.
2. Make a Commitment to Change
It's one thing to recognize you have a problem and quite another to do something about it. Many people realize they need to change and yet continue to skip happily along on the dangerous path their destructive traits have led them. Commit to making a change for the better. Do it formally. Write up a contract with yourself, sign it and then post it in a place where it will serve as a daily reminder of what you are working on and why.
3. Become Self-Aware
I think Buddha sums it up best when he said:
"Little by little, a person becomes evil; as a water pot is filled by drops of water.
Little by little, a person becomes good; as a water pot is filled by drops of water."
Basically what he is saying is our negative traits are not something that we acquire overnight. It only seems that way because of the suddenness in which we realize they are a problem. Traits, good and bad, are cultivated through weeks, months, and even years of repetitious behavior.
Start watching yourself closely. What you are looking for is that moment between stimuli and response where you have a choice about how you are going to behave. If you have a problem with gossiping and one of your friends comes to you with a juicy tidbit, you have a choice of whether you are going to participate or not. It will feel funny, at first, to make a different choice and people may give you weird looks when you do. After awhile, however, you will get used to it.
4. Set a Goal
It's easier to take a journey with a destination in mind. Set realistic and obtainable goals. If your deadly sin is that you respond negatively to everything, set a goal to be positive for one full day. When you have successfully achieved that goal then up the ante to two days of positivity. And so on and so forth until you have officially broken yourself out that habit.
5. Gather Up an Army of Coping Skills
Oftentimes our bad habits are our way of dealing with the stress of our lives. Exchange that poor coping skill with a more effective one. Journal, meditate, take a yoga class or listen to music. There are an infinite number of better and healthier ways to relieve stress and anger than gossiping, holding grudges or generally being a wet noodle.
6. Of Course, Seek Professional Help
Sometimes our negative trait are so deeply rooted in us that we are unable to overcome them without some help. At that point it may be best to seek the advice of someone specially trained to handle your particular situation.
Though it hasn't been easy (nothing worthwhile ever is) I am happy to report that since implementing some of the tips I am doing better. The only block I've stumbled over is that the change doesn't seem to be happening quick enough but as Buddha says: "Little by little...". With time, patience and hard work, I will turn my deadly sin into a heavenly virtue and so can you.
Daria Black is a freelance and fiction writer. Although she writes all types of stories, her specialty is science fiction/fantasy erotica. Stop by her website to read erotic fiction stories, or talk about sex, art, life and other random topics.
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